The 5 Stages Of WiFi Grief
In its seemingly total accessibility these days, the internet has a lot in common with that friend who completely disappeared one day and stopped responding to your text messages after you asked them for one too many favors. You took them for granted, and now they’re gone, just like the neighbor whose wireless you siphoned until they moved away. Being without internet usually leads to some uncomfortable feelings, and when you see that little WiFi symbol go dark, you know you are in for these five stages of grief:
“Maybe I accidentally turned on airplane mode. Does my laptop still have connection? What about my roommate’s laptop? What about her phone? Is the Roku on? What do you mean I can’t watch Netflix? This is a mistake. Maybe the whole neighborhood is out. I’m almost certain I paid the last bill. I should just keep trying to reconnect. Oh, I know, I’ll unplug the router, wait five seconds, and plug it back in. Oh, that didn’t work either. Maybe I need to wait for ten seconds. I’m sure the internet is fine, and there’s just something I’m not doing correctly on my end.”
“There has never been a bigger victim in the history of human civilization than me in this present moment. All of the world has conspired against me to deprive me of my one and only love: watching cat videos on YouTube.”
This stage involves calling your internet service provider, trying to recite your account information from memory, and pleading with them to rush a technician to your apartment by fabricating a story about some extremely important business you have to conduct over the internet, all of which has absolutely zero bearing on the availability of their staff.
“The existentialists were right. To live is to suffer, and to survive is to find meaning without an available WiFi connection.” Your new hobbies might include counting ceiling tiles and staring at brick walls.
“Certainly life existed before the internet, right? I’m sure people had interesting things to do back then like … knit and ride carriages. This lot in life won’t be so bad after all. I’ll just keep sitting here until I let this all soak in … however many months it takes.”